Romeo Entreri and Juliet-brie
by Shadowmusic
Summary: The Forgotten Realm characters are forced to act in the play, Romeo and Juliet with intresting results. Character bashing and OOCness. Please R&R.
1. Chapter One

Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.   
  
(A: My first attempt at humor. Major out-of-characterness. Please read and review.)  
  
  
  
(ANCIENT ENGLAND: William Shakespear sits in his office suffering from writers block. (A: As I so often do.) He is staring at his half finished Romeo and Juliet piece. Suddenly a hand holding an immense club reaches from the shadows and knocks him unconscious. Interestingly enough the shadow is only a few centimeters thick. Judging from the size of the club, it seems the rules of reality have temporarily been suspended. Two more hands reach out of the shadows and pull Shakespear in. Shakespear awakens in a seemingly endless theatre.)   
  
Shakespear- I know I was drinking... but this is simply ridiculous!  
Voice from Offstage- I know, it is, isn't it.   
Shakespear- (dazed) Who the h*** said that?   
Author- (Walking out) I did.   
Shakespear takes in her 20th century clothes and modern day accent.   
Shakespear- I must be suffering from hallucinations again. Or wait... Am I in the 20th century again?   
Author- Again? When did you ever come to the 20th century before?  
Shakespear- A while back I was transported here to take part in the play "The Jerry Springer Show"   
(Author does a Homer Simpson impression, smacking her forehead and yelling "Douh!")  
Shakespear- (visibly brightening) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time did that a lot too.   
Author-(mumbling) I can see why. (suddenly narrows eyes) Are you calling me an idiot?  
Shakespear- Not exactly.  
Author-(shakes her head in disgust) Anyway, I brought you here today to be the director in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version"  
Shakespear- Well you see, I haven't exactly finished Romeo and Juliet yet, soooo...  
Author-(interrupting) But my history books show that you finish an hour after I snatched you.   
(Shakespear mumbles something about faulty record keeping and how he always finishes his books in a drunken stupor. Author does another impression of Homer Simpson.)   
Shakespear-(visibly brightens) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time -   
Author- (interrupting) I know, I know. (to herself) This is going to be a very loooong day.   
(Author shows Shakespear a complete script of Romeo and Juliet. Shakespear quickly reads the play.)   
Shakespear- What is this? This is trash! Are you saying that I actually wrote this?  
Author- What do you mean trash? This is your greatest work of all time!   
Shakespear- Actually I consider my play "Stories from the Toilet " to be my greatest work.   
Author-(disgusted) I don't think it got past the publisher.   
Shakespear- Lets get to the point. How do you expect me to direct this play if there are no characters?   
Author- (smiling evilly) Oh, I can arrange that.   
(Author claps hands twice. Forgotten Realms characters are brought out in chains.)   
Bruenor- What's going on here? Why have you brought us here?   
Author- I have brought you here today to act in my play "Romeo and Juliet - the Forgotten Realms version".   
Drizzt- Why did you bring Guen here? She's just a cat. She can't talk.   
Guen- (in an english accent) I beg to differ.   
(Everyone stares at Guen dumbfoundedly. Author looks smug.)  
Author- Anyway, since none of you have any idea what Romeo and Juliet is, its a love tragedy between Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet. I want Artemis Entreri as Romeo and Catti-brie as Juliet.   
Entreri- What!!! (glares at Author with patented Death Glare (all right reserved)) I am going to have to kill you.   
Author- Relax, assassin guy. You get to kill Drizzt.  
Entreri- Really?   
(Entreri grins evilly at Drizzt. Drizzt is still staring at Guenhwyar. Entreri pokes Drizzt.)  
Drizzt- What do you want?  
Entreri- Did you hear what the Author said?   
Drizzt- No.  
Author- I want you to play Tybalt, which means Entreri gets to kill you.   
Drizzt- I would just like to let you know that I am Entreri's superior in battle.   
Catti-brie- I feel that Drizzt is more qualified to play Romeo.   
Author- Because he is the better fighter or because you like him?  
Catti-brie- Um... No comment.  
Author- Since I knew some of you would have objections, I brought my own security crew.   
(Errtu steps on to the stage. Wulfgar faints.)  
Author- I would like you to note that you are all weaponless, while Errtu is carrying a little something called a lightning whip.   
Drizzt- Kill him Guen!  
Guen- (to Author) Magic doesn't work here right?  
Author- Right, Drizzt can't force you to do this.  
Guen- (to Drizzt) I'm a pacifist, do your own fighting for once.   
(Everyone stared dumbfoundedly at Guen. Author looks smug.)   
Drizzt- Your a pacifist ?!  
Guen- Yes, not that you ever bothered to ask.   
Author- Don't worry Guen, I'll make sure Drizzt doesn't bully you around.   
Entreri- I always knew you where a bully Drizzt.   
Drizzt- Why, because I beat you so often?  
Author- (pretend shock) You hurt Entreri, Drizzt? Oh, I'm so disappointed in you. Errtu? What do you have to say?   
(Errtu smiles evilly, hefts his lightning whip, and start advancing menacingly on Drizzt. Drizzt looks scared. Author stops Errtu with an upraised hand.)   
Errtu- (to Author) But you said I could attempt to kill Drizzt!  
Author- I said you could do that AFTER the play.   
Drizzt- (to Errtu) Notice the word attempt. You could never beat me Errtu.   
Errtu- (smiles) I would like to see how well you can fight unarmed.   
Guen- (to Drizzt) It seems you're in a no-win situation.   
(Everyone stares at Guen.)  
Guen- I can talk! Get over it!  
Author- Ok, continuing with the parts. Bruenor, as Catti-brie's adopted father, I'm giving you the role of Lord Capulet - Juliet's father. Your wife, Lady Capulet, will be played by...Guen!  
(Drizzt makes smart remark about how Guen always sleeps on Bruenor anyway. Author nods at Errtu. Drizzt screams in horror as Errtu advances again. Author stops Errtu. Drizzt looks relieved.)   
Author-(comforting Errtu) Later. (To rest of group) Continuing on. Lord Montague will be played by Zaknafein.   
Drizzt- Sorry to burst your bubble, but Zaknafein is dead.   
Author-(grins evilly) Oh, I don't think so.   
(Errtu leaves, then comes back with Zaknafein. Leaves again.)   
Drizzt-(enthusiastically) Father! You're alive!  
(Errtu comes back, this time with Matron Malice.)   
Drizzt-(disappointed) Mother. You're alive.   
Zaknafein- Who's the lucky character that Malice gets to play?  
Matron Malice- That's Matron Malice to you, male.   
Author-(grins evilly) Since we're sticking to facts, Matron Malice will play Lady Montague, your wife.   
Zaknafein- Nooooooo!  
Matron Malice-This ought to be fun.   
(Entreri looks up.)   
Entreri- These are my parents?  
Drizzt- No, Unfortunately, they're mine.   
(Errtu looks hopefully at Author. Author ignores look.)   
Author- Continuing on. Wulfgar gets to be Catti-brie's nurse.   
Wulfgar- Me? Nurse? (looks at huge muscles) Naahh.   
Author- I'm sure you know how effective my security crew is, being that you are old "friends".   
(Wulfgar looks at Errtu, shudders.)   
Wulfgar-(nearly in tears) Ok! Ok! I'll be the nurse! I'll be the nurse!  
Catti-brie-(looks at Wulfgar's hulking form and crinkles nose in disgust.) He's going to be my nurse?  
Author- Deal with it.   
Wulfgar- But how am I going to be a nurse? I've never been a nurse before!  
Author- That's why you get Harkle Harpell as the nurse's aide.   
Wulfgar- Lucky me.   
Catti-brie- But Harpell knows even less about being a nurse than Wulgar does.   
Author-(sarcastically) Oh what a tragedy.   
Drizzt- What's a nurse?  
(Everyone stares at Drizzt. Entreri takes Drizzt aside and begins to explain what a nurse is to him.)   
Zaknafein-(to others) In Menzoberranzan when you're injured, you're dead.   
Matron Malice- Needless to say, all the priestesses of Lloth keep a healing spell ready.   
Zaknafein- What a pity.   
Regis-(interrupting) Who gets to be the prince?  
Author- How did you know there was a prince?  
Regis- (smugly) Why else would you bring me here?  
Author-(ignoring Regis) The prince, and Count Paris, will be played by the Crystal Shard.   
Jarlaxle- What?! I destroyed-  
Author-(interrupting) Ah yes, Jarlaxle, you get to play the part of Mercutio, the laughing fool.   
Jarlaxle- What?!  
Entreri- (laughs) Yes, a very fitting role.   
Jarlaxle-(glares) Don't forget Entreri, you die at the end.   
Entreri- But I'm the main character!  
Jarlaxle- It's a tragedy you idiot, the main character is supposed to die.   
(The sounds of a fight come from offstage. Moments later Errtu enters carrying a dazed Shakespear.)   
Errtu- I caught him trying to escape  
Drizzt-(to himself) I don't blame him.   
Shakespear- Don't believe him!  
Zaknafein- To late, she already does.   
Author- Ah yes, here is your director.  
Everyone- Director? Him?  
Wulfgar- From the looks of him, he's drunk more liquor than Bruenor and I put together.   
Bruenor- You don't drink anymore.   
Wulfgar- There's that.   
Entreri- (losing what little patience he possessed.) Ok, just get on with it! Who are the other characters?  
Catti-brie-(looking at other characters) Ok, we've still got Regis, Delly, and Lady Alustriel.   
Author- You forgot Colson. She will play Benvolio.   
Delly- (clutching baby) What?! How do you expect a baby to play a role?  
Author- Since I'm all powerful, I've made it so Colson can talk.   
(Everyone looks expectantly at Colson. Colson gurgles and makes assorted baby noises. Author sighs and nods at Errtu. Errtu tears baby from Delly's hands, holding her roughly.)   
Colson- Get your _$#%ing hands off of me, you %$#@^&!  
Zaknafein- Who did she learn all those drow curse words from?  
Delly- Well, the only drow she's ever come into contact with...  
(Everyone turns to look at Drizzt. Drizzt smiles innocently, turns around, and begins to run. Errtu catches Drizzt before he can escape.)   
Errtu-(to Delly) I'll hold him down. Would you like to borrow my lightning whip?  
Delly- With pleasure.   
Author-(ignoring screams of pain in the background) Anyway, Lady Alustriel, you will play the Friars.   
Lady Alustriel- I'm a priest?  
Author- Look at the bright side. You get to be kind, wise, well meaning, and-  
Regis-(interrupting) -male.   
Author-(glaring) Well at least she's not a servant like you.   
Regis- What?! I have to play a servant? What happened to the prince idea?  
Lady Alustriel- Fitting.  
Author- Delly? Could you stop whipping Drizzt, and come over here so I can assign your role?  
(Delly reluctantly obeys.)  
Author- You will be joining Regis as a servant.   
Delly-(horrified) Why do I have to be a servant?  
Author- I decided that your experience as a barmaid was in favor of that option.   
Delly- But who will take care of Colson?  
(Everyone looks at Colson who is still muttering drow curse words.)   
Matron Malice- Because of her language problems, I see myself as the only one capable of caring for her.   
Author- Ok, you have the job.   
Delly- Nooooooooo!  
Matron Malice- Look at the bright side. At least we'll have an experienced priestess of Lloth by the time I'm done.   
Colson- Cool! Will you teach me how to whip males?  
Matron Malice- Of course! We can start with my son, Drizzt.   
Errtu- Do you want to borrow my lightning whip?  
Matron Malice-(pulling out snake whip) No thank you. I have a whip of my own.   
Drizzt-(groaning) This promises to be a very long-  
Colson-(interrupting) Shut up, you _$#%ing male!  
Matron Malice- That's my girl!  
Delly-(to Wulfgar) How will she ever get a husband at this rate?  
Zaknafein- Most likely she'll whip someone into submission.   
Matron Malice- (smiles at Zak) You've learned your lesson well.   
Catti-brie- (to Matron Malice) Can I learn to use a snake whip?  
Matron Malice- You're engaged to my son, correct?  
Catti-brie-(blushing) Sort of.  
Matron Malice-(brightly) Sure! Our first lesson will be on how to inflict maximum pain.   
Drizzt- Oh _$#%.   
Author- Can we get on with this?  
Drizzt- Please.  
Author- One more thing before I leave you to the females. Play practice will begin as soon as I find the time to write the next chapter.   
Shakespear- Get drunk. That always helps.   
(Author walks away in disgust.)   
  
  
(A: As I don't have a copy of Romeo and Juliet at the time, it may be awhile before I post the next chapter. Please ignore all spelling and character mistakes. PLEASE REVIEW.) 


	2. Chapter Two

Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.   
(A: Sorry it took me so long to update. My family was on vacation. Please review. A thousand thanks to those who reviewed all ready!)  
CHARACTERS  
Author=Author  
William Shakespear=Director  
Artemis Entreri=Romeo  
Catti-brie=Juliet  
Drizzt Do'Urden=Tybalt  
Bruenor Battlehammer=Lord Capulet  
Guenhwyvar=Lady Capulet  
Zaknafein=Lord Montague  
Matron Malice=Lady Montague  
Jarlaxle=Benvolio  
Colson=Mercutio  
Crystal Shard=The Prince and Count Paris  
Wulfgar=Nurse  
Harkell Harpell=Nurse's Aide (aka Peter)  
Regis and Delly=The Servants  
Lady Alustriel=The Friars  
  
  
(Shakespear is passed out drunk surrounded by at least 50 empty whiskey bottles. Catti-brie is whipping Drizzt with Errtu's lightning whip as Matron Malice and Colson egg her on. The rest of the cast is watching the peculiar "bonding experience". Zaknafein has been cornered by several female fans who have somehow managed to find their way into the alternate dimension. Author enters.)  
Author- I'm back!  
Cast- Nooo!  
Drizzt- Finally!  
Author- Errtu, wake up the drunk. Catti-brie, stop whipping your fiancee. Assorted fans, get out of here. Zaknafein is mine!  
Jarlaxle- I thought you liked me better!  
Author- Only at night.  
Matron Malice- You people sicken me.   
Author- On with the show. Has everyone received their scripts?  
Colson- Yes. (pauses) 100 lashes to every male that makes a mistake.  
Guen- Why can't we just get along?  
(Everyone stares at Guen for a moment, then starts cracking up.)  
Author- Ok! That's enough, let's start. Since only Regis and Delly are servants, and the first scene calls for four servants, where cutting straight to the fight scene.  
Delly- Fighting is wrong.  
Wulfgar-Huh?  
Delly- Wulfgar, when we get out of here, you will become a lawyer.  
Wulfgar-What lawyer?  
Colson- He has lots of potential, doesn't he?  
Delly-(continuing) And Colson, you shall become a doctor and help people.  
Colson- No.  
Delly- Don't you talk back to me young lady.  
Matron Malice- She has a point. You don't talk back to a matron mother. It took me two years to beat it out of Briza.  
Colson- Shutting up now.  
Author- Ok, let's go. Delly, you start fighting Regis.   
Delly- On second thought, maybe this fighting stuff is worth is after all.  
(Delly starts slowly at Regis, holding a butcher's knife. Regis takes out his ruby.)  
Regis- Look at the pretty gem.  
Guen- Magic doesn't work here, remember?  
Regis- Oh. . .   
Author- Now Jarlaxle, you break up the fight.  
(Jarlaxle starts laughing, then stops abruptly.)  
Jarlaxle-(slowly) Your . . . serious? Uh . . . I've never broken up a fight before, how does it work?  
Author- Ask Guen.  
(Guen breaks up fight.)  
Author- Ok, now Drizzt, you attack Jarlaxle.  
Drizzt- Yes! Finally, some stress relief!  
Matron Malice- I always thought whipping people relieved stress.   
Drizzt- Why don't you whip the drunk?  
(Matron Malice starts toward Shakespear who is still passed out.)  
Author- Errtu? I thought I told you to wake him up.  
Errtu- Tryed multiple times. Had to resurrect him twice.  
Author- Ok then, Matron Malice can try to whip Shakespear into shape.  
(A blood curdling scream resounds through the theatre.)  
Author- Uh, Drizzt? What are you doing to Jarlaxle?  
Drizzt- Guess.  
Author- Ok then. I guess it's about time for the prince to break up the fight. Where's the prince?  
Regis- Here I am.   
Author- (ignores Regis) Ah, here it is.  
(Author pulls Crystal Shard out of Entreri's pocket. Jarlaxle lifts his head off the floor.)  
Jarlaxle- But you told me you destroyed it!  
Entreri-(calmly) I lied.   
Crystal Shard- Do I really have to break up the fight?  
Author- Yes.  
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them kill each other?  
Author- No.  
Crystal Shard- Can't I just let them hurt each other?  
Author- No.  
Crystal Shard- Can't I just-  
Author- (interrupting) Just break up the fight already!  
Crystal Shard- (sulkily) All right, all right.  
(Crystal Shard blasts Jarlaxle)  
Author- Uh, Crystal Shard? Drizzt was the one winning.  
Crystal Shard- But Jarlaxle tried to destroy me.  
Author- So did Drizzt.  
(Crystal Shard thinks for a moment, then blasts Drizzt. Errtu walks over and drags them away. He deposits them by a still unconscious Shakespear. Matron Malice looks very frustrated.)  
Drizzt-(curious) I thought you said whipping people was relaxing?  
Matron Malice- Only when the people are conscious.  
(Matron Malice smiles suddenly and looks at Drizzt with death in her eyes. Drizzt hurriedly faints.)  
Catti-brie- He can faint at will?  
Matron Malice- Oh well, there's always Jarlaxle.  
Jaraxle- (to Drizzt) Your going to have to teach me that trick.  
Crystal Shard - I'll save you!  
(Crystal Shard painfully blasts Jarlaxle into unconsciousness.)  
Author - I doubt that's the kind of saving he wanted.  
Crystal Shard- Oh well, now to get back to Drizzt.  
(Crystal Shard blasts Drizzt back into consciousness.)  
Drizzt- (glares) Your going to pay for that.  
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt)  
Author- Enough! Let's continue with the play.  
Cast- No!  
Drizzt- Yes!  
Jarlaxle-Zzzz!  
Entreri-(bored) Do I get to kill Drizzt yet?  
Author- No, you don't kill Drizzt until Act 3.  
Entreri- Hurry up then!  
Author- Ok, before the fight's officially over, Lord Montague and Lord Capulet have their say. Zaknafein? Bruenor? You have to pretend to want to join the fight.  
Zaknafein- (looking at Crystal Shard) Not likely.  
Bruenor- What fight?  
Author- Matron Malice? Guen? You have to convince your husbands not to fight.  
Matron Malice- Get out of my way, Zaknafein! I want to kill them!  
Zaknafein- Now dear, maybe that's not the best thing. . .   
Guen- (to Bruenor) You join that fight and I use you as my pillow.   
Bruenor- (confused) I still don't know what your talking about.   
(Matron Malice finally pushes Zaknafein aside.)  
Guen- I can't watch.  
(Matron Malice advances on Drizzt and Jarlaxle.)  
Drizzt- No!  
Jarlaxle-Zzzzzz!  
Catti-brie- Does he always comment in his sleep like that?  
Author- Errtu? Kindly wake up Jarlaxle.  
(Errtu wakes up Jarlaxle.)  
Author- Drizzt? Jarlaxle? Please start fighting so that the Crystal Shard can break you up before Matron Malice joins.  
(Drizzt and Jarlaxle hurriedly start fighting as Matron Malice runs toward them waving her snake whip and yelling a war cry.)  
Crystal Shard- To blast, or not to blast? That is the question.  
Shakespear- (wakes up) Hey, that's my line! (passes out again)  
Errtu- *&^%$! Almost got him!  
Author- If we have to quote him to wake him up, then I think I like him better unconscious.  
Errtu- And you haven't even read his Toilet book yet.  
Author- I don't think it got past the publisher.  
Errtu- It did in the Abyss! It is the most powerful torture known in the Abyss to force someone to read it. (shudders)  
Author- (interested) Really?  
Errtu- (shudders again) Several demons committed suicide after reading it. I haven't even obtained permission to use it on Wulfgar. (pauses) Yet.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
(Author is about to speak but is interrupted by several loud screams. It seems Matron Malice has finally caught up with Jarlaxle and Drizzt after chasing them several times around the theatre. Crystal Shard sits in the center and laughs maniacally.)  
Author-(annoyed) If you don't stop fooling around I'll get Lloth herself to whip you all.  
Matron Malice- Really? I'd be interested in seeing that.  
Author- How about getting it done to you?  
Matron Malice- Uh, maybe not.  
(Matron Malice hides completely behind Regis, which is quite a feat.)  
Regis- I still say I should be the prince.  
Author- Shut up. Now on with the play. Crystal Shard? You warn everyone that if you hear one more fight you'll kill everyone.  
Crystal Shard- Fight you people! Fight!  
Author- Um, let's skip that part. The next scene is where Lord Montague speaks with his wife and Benvolio about Romeo.  
Jarlaxle- But I don't want to talk about Entreri! I want to talk about me!  
Matron Malice- You're so spoiled! This must be whipped out of you.  
Jarlaxle-(thinks fast) What about Drizzt? He ran away from home and still hasn't come back, and he got you killed!  
Matron Malice- I've taken care of that. Mielikki has agreed to release his soul to Lloth for eternal torment in exchange for a high elf ranger's soul.   
Drizzt- Mielikki agreed to that?  
Mielikki- Of course! It was between you or a high elf!  
Drizzt- By any chance, is that high elf named Aragon?  
Mielikki- Yes.  
Drizzt- Figures.  
Author- (to Mielikki) Who let you in?  
Mielikki- (smugly) I'm an all powerful goddess. I don't need to be let in.  
Author- In other words you came in the same way the fans did.   
Mielikki-(glumly) Yes, you could say that.  
Author- (to Errtu) By the way, how did the fans get in?  
Errtu- Through the hole in the wall.  
Author- Why is their a hole in the wall?  
Errtu- Shakespear made it when he was searching for more alcohol.  
Author- More?  
Errtu- He finished all the alcohol in the kitchen.  
Author- There was alcohol in the kitchen? Who put alcohol there?  
Bruenor- (guiltily) What alcohol?   
Delly- There's a kitchen?  
Lady Alustriel- Down the hall to the left. It's right next to the bathroom.  
Regis- There's a bathroom?  
Lady Alustriel- (suspiciously) Yes, where were you going?  
Regis- (blushing) Uh, I went in . . .  
Bruenor- (laughing) Trust Rumblebelly not to know!  
Regis- . . . Bruenor's helmet.  
(Bruenor stops laughing abruptly then throws off his helmet)  
Catti-brie- (looks at Bruenor's hair) Can't tell the difference.  
(Bruenor ignores her and goes after Regis with his battle-ax.)  
Author- Who gave everyone back their weapons?  
Errtu- I did. Matron Malice wanted some diversity in her torture.  
Matron Malice- How do you expect me to educate my pupils if there's no diversity?  
(Colson and Catti-brie look respectfully up at Matron Malice with awe in their eyes.)  
Author- I won't ask. (to Bruenor) Go clean up in the, um, bathroom and then we'll continue on with the play.   
(Bruenor walks up to Matron Malice, holding a large bag of gold.)  
Bruenor- Kill Regis while I'm gone.   
Matron Malice- (smiles) Students? We are about to have another lesson.  
(Bruenor leaves. Regis starts running.)  
Guen- Why does this always have to end in fighting?  
Wulfgar- Because fighting's fun.  
Delly- Lawyer!  
(Wulfgar shudders, pauses, then turns to Delly.)  
Wulfgar- What's a lawyer?  
(Bruenor returns in time to hear the question.)  
Bruenor- _&^#* $%%@(*& #@**!% Lawyers!!!  
Catti-brie- What do you have against lawyers?  
Bruenor- I had to pay half of Mithral Hall's gold to the duegar dwarves after they sued me!  
Catti-brie- They sued you?  
Bruenor- Yes, for assault.  
Drizzt- (interested) You can do that?  
Matron Malice- Yes, but you can't.  
Drizzt- _&^%$@  
(Colson finishes with Regis then turns to Author.)  
Colson- Are we going to continue this or not?  
Author- No, that's enough for today. Besides, I have a headache. Errtu? Shakespear is to have no more alcohol.  
Errtu- I don't think that's possible.  
Author- Make him read his Toilet book.   
Errtu- Is that legal?  
Author- Who cares? Anyway, I'll write the next chapter after Errtu finishes repairing the wall and when Shakespear wakes up.   
  
(A: Will Shakespear ever wake up? Review!) 


	3. Chapter Three

Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.  
  
(A: Thank you to everyone who reviewed. You all get a snake whip. *hands out snake whips* For everyone who didn't review - REVIEW PLEASE!)  
  
(The whole cast is trying to restrain Shakespear who, for once, is sober. Author enters.)  
Author- I'm back!  
Lady Alustriel- Who are all those people behind you?  
Author- These are the reviewers. Matron Malice, give them all snake whips.  
Matron Malice- What? I don't need extra competition!  
Author- The reviewers are from my dimension, you dolt!  
Matron Malice- Alright in that case . . .   
(Matron Malice gives reviewers snake whips. Reviewers leave, smiling evilly.)  
Author- Have fun with those! (to cast) Alright, let's get to work.  
Jarlaxle- I don't want to work! That's what I have a mercenary band for!  
Author- Do they chew your food for you as well?  
Jarlaxle- On occasion.  
Author- That's gross. Anyway, let's start the play. Bruenor, you are with Count Paris arranging a marriage between Catti-brie and the Crystal Shard.   
Entreri- But I thought she liked me!  
Bruenor- Catti-brie, you must choose between Entreri, the Crystal Shard, and Drizzt. You can't have all three.  
Catti-brie- What is this nonsense!  
Regis- (to Delly) I'll bet you a sack of gold that she picks the Crystal Shard.  
Delly- Betting is wrong.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Delly- Betting, fighting, and drinking are all wrong.  
Bruenor- There goes my life.  
Catti-brie- Really! I've never heard such nonsense. I'm in no way interested in the Crystal Shard or Entreri. (pauses) Well, maybe Entreri. . . but not the Crystal Shard!  
Drizzt- What!?!  
Catti-brie- (apologetically) Well you two are so much alike!  
Drizzt- (insulted) Well I never!  
Author- (shakes her head in disgust) Sorry to break up the lovers quarrel, but the show must go on.  
Regis- Does it have to? Why can't we just talk about me?  
Delly- No one wants to talk about you much less to you.  
Drizzt- Yeah, your a...a...a...minor character!  
(Everyone gasps in horror.)  
Guen- That was uncalled for!  
Drizzt- Your right, I'm sorry.   
Author- Now I know why R.A. Salvator stopped writing about you.  
Drizzt- Actually, that was because fanfic authors kept abducting us.  
Author-(smiles) Oh yeah! Now let's get on with the show. Bruenor, you agree to let Count Paris court Juliet at a ball.  
Bruenor- No.  
Author- Why not?  
Bruenor- Catti-brie is NOT marrying the Crystal Shard!  
Thibbledorf Pwent- That's right! Crystal Shard ain't got a beard!  
Bruenor- Thibbledorf? What are you doing here?  
Thibbledorf- I'm here to hold your hand through the bath.  
Bruenor- WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
Author- Sorry, but you smell.  
Thibbledorf- Afterward, I'll be playing a few minor parts.   
Bruenor- I'm NOT taking a bath.  
Author- Wanna bet?  
(Thibbledorf and Errtu drag Bruenor away.)  
Author- That ends the scene due to lack of characters. Anyway, Thibbledorf! Get back in here!  
Thibbledorf- What about the bath?  
Author- Errtu can give it to him.  
(Splashing and screaming come from offstage.)  
Author- Now you get to play an illiterate servant who must find some people on a list.  
Thibbledorf- What list?  
Author- The list Bruenor gave you.  
Thibbledorf- He didn't.  
(Errtu comes back with a soggy list which he hands to Thibbledorf.)  
Thibbledorf- I don't think anyone could read this, least of all me.  
Author- Give it to Entreri. He's supposed to be able to read it.   
Entreri- (reading list) Things to do after bath:  
Kill Author  
Kill Errtu  
Kill Thibbledorf  
Kill so called "friends"  
Get dirty  
Not specifically in that order.  
Errtu- Wrong list. (hands Entreri a second soggy list.)  
Entreri- I can't read this, all the ink ran.   
Author- It's just a list of names.   
Entreri- If you know what it says, why do you want me to read it?  
Author- I just do okay? Now Entreri, you make plans with Colson and Jarlaxle to attend the ball.  
Jarlaxle- (to Colson) My lady, I would be pleased if you could attend the ball with me. (Jarlaxle bows. Colson blushes. A Barbie doll hits Jarlaxle on the head.)  
Wulfgar- (hefts another Barbie) No one dates Colson without permission!  
Delly- You know, I bought those Barbies for Colson.   
Wulfgar- Really?  
Delly- Really.  
Wulfgar- Really?  
Delly- (misty eyed) Really.  
Wulfgar- Really?  
Delly- I knew you loved me, Wulfgar! (jumps into his arms)  
Wulfgar- Huh? (drops Delly)  
Author- (nods knowingly) I had always wondered how they got together. Now, let's get back to the play, AGAIN!  
Regis- Has anyone else noticed how often she says that?  
(Bruenor, looking slightly damp and clutching a list comes in. Errtu, soaked to the bone follows.)  
Author- I thought Bruenor was supposed to be getting the bath, not Errtu.  
Thibbledorf- Good, you still stink. I need competition for world's stinkiest dwarf.   
Lady Alustriel- I think that my sage, Fredegar Rockcrusher, has already achieved that title.  
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)  
Lady Alustriel- I'm serious! He uses way to much perfume!  
Author- ANYWAY, the next scene is in Catti-brie's nursery.   
Catti-brie- I'm still in a nursery? But that's where Colson's supposed to be.   
Colson- (winces) Don't . . .   
Delly- Exactly! Wulfgar, as soon as we get home you are putting your muscles to good use and adding a nursery.   
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- Do you ever get the impression that he has no idea what you mean?  
Delly- My husband is the smartest man alive!  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Catti-brie- That says something about other men doesn't it?  
Matron Malice- Exactly!  
Zaknafein- Uh Oh!  
Matron Malice- Females are superior, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah  
(2 hours later)  
Matron Malice- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...  
Author- ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, WE GET YOUR POINT! YOU CAN SHUT THE HELL UP NOW!  
Regis- Oooooooh!! Author has a bad mouth! Author has a ba-  
(Author blasts Regis into unconsciousness.)  
Crystal Shard- Hey, nice blast!  
Drizzt- Did I know she could do that?  
Errtu- That kind of makes my position as security guard obsolete.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- Have you processed any of this?  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Harkell Harpell- (from offstage) You better watch out! He broke the leash, muzzle, AND the chains!  
(Shakespear comes running out onstage, drooling. Everyone ducks for cover. Shakespear makes another hole in the wall. Immediately hundreds of fan girls swarm through the hole and onto Zaknafein.)  
Zaknafein- I'm drowning, I'm drowning!  
Author- Thibbledorf, would you please walk over there?  
Thibbledorf- Why?  
Author- Just do it!  
(Thibbledorf walks over. The fan girls run away from the stench and Thibbledorf herds them out. Errtu patches up the hole.)  
Errtu- I'm not sure how long the front gate will last. They've got explosives and a battering ram. We are officially under seige.   
Drizzt- And they broke all the glass with their shrieks.  
Guen- This is not a time when keen hearing is an advantage.   
Zaknafein- (to Matron Malice) I did nothing, I swear.  
Matron Malice- It sounds like they know you pretty well.  
Jarlaxle- They know him by reputation.  
Matron Malice- Oh?  
Zaknafein- (thinks quickly) Um. . . like father, like son?  
Catti-brie- Drizzt!   
Drizzt- Father!  
Zaknafein- Every drow for himself.  
(Matron Malice looks from one to the other undecidedly.)  
Matron Malice- Oh, whatever! I'll just whip both of you!  
Zaknafein- No! I mean, isn't he more deserving? After all, he killed his sister with   
. . . "Twinkle"  
Author- Talking of such, Drizzt, you had better ditch that scimater. It's just embarrassing.   
Drizzt- But...but...but...I like the name Twinkle.  
Matron Malice- I blame Vierna for this behavior.  
Zaknafein- Never want to blame yourself, do you?  
Colson- Are you implying something, male?  
(Zaknafein looks blank.)  
Colson- Ok, putting that simply: Are you implying a matron mother is wrong?  
(Zaknafein turns pale.)  
Zaknafein- Please don't kill me.  
Author- Getting back to the nursery scene. We are having a discussion between Guen as Lady Capulet and Wulfgar as the Nurse. Guen, you ask how old Catti-brie is.   
Wulfgar- Huh? Old? Catti-brie? (laughs) Your right she is old.   
Catti-brie- . . . Drizzt, please hurt him . . .   
Drizzt- (being tied into the torture chamber by Matron Malice) I'm kind of tied up at the moment.   
Catti-brie- Men! There so insensitive! In that case I'll do it myself.   
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Catti-brie- (takes out snake whip) Come here, Wulfgar.  
(Wulfgar walks over.)  
Catti-brie- (blinks) That was surprisingly easy.  
Colson- Yeah! You should see him when mom tells him to . . .  
(Colson looks at butcher's knife pressed to her throat.)  
Delly- Don't finish that thought.  
Matron Malice- Threatening your children! Tsk, tsk, tsk Delly!  
Drizzt- Why, you do it often enough.  
Colson- I'm suing!  
Delly- Ok, I get Wulfgar as my lawyer!  
Colson- Who said anything about lawyers?  
(Colson advances slowly on Delly. Delly looks scared.)  
Matron Malice- As Colson's guardian, I fell obligated to protect her.  
(Matron Malice advances on Delly. Delly looks very scared. Errtu steps in between.)  
Errtu- No hurting the cook! If we kill her we have to eat Catti-brie's cooking.  
(Everyone shudders.)  
Catti-brie- Hey!  
Drizzt- (loyally) I like your cooking.  
Zaknafein- Well you liked Matron Malice's cooking too. . .   
Regis- (finally waking up) Well Drizzt will eat anything. (smiles fondly) I remember the time he ate raw sewage.  
Drizzt- (indignantly) I only ate it because Entreri spat it at me!  
Zaknafein- Some of Matron Malice's cooking is worse.  
Drizzt- How would you know?  
Zaknafein- Jarlaxle told me.   
Author- If we could kindly go back to the nursery? Wulfgar, talk to Guen.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- On second thought, let's just skip the nurse's dialog. Catti-brie comes in and, Guen, you announce that you want her to marry Count Paris.  
Guen- Absolutely not, she's underage!  
Drizzt- Does this mean I can't marry her either?  
Guen- I'm talking about Juliet, you numbskull!  
Drizzt- Okay, good.  
(A knock comes from the front door. Errtu opens the door and holds back the fan girls while Shakespear staggers in, drunk.)  
Author- Ok, it seems that it's time to wrap things up.  
Regis- Why?  
Author- Because I can't direct the play without a director.  
Drizzt- Isn't that what you've been doing all along?  
(Author considers this.)  
Author- Whatever, this is giving me a headache. I'm leaving.  
Errtu- How? The fans are blocking the door.   
Author- Well am I the author or am I not?  
Drizzt- Can we vote on that?  
(Author stomps foot in frustration and walks out the back door.)  
Regis- Oh, that's how she got in.  
Zaknafein- Quick, barricade it before the fans come!  
Regis- Or the Author comes back!  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
  
  
(A: I promise to give a snake whip to whoever reviews. Everyone who doesn't review will be whipped by Catti-brie, Colson, and/or Matron Malice. Thanks!) 


	4. Chapter Four

Disclaimer- I don't own anything so don't sue me.  
(A: Wow!!!! 16 reviews! I knew you guys loved me! As I promised, everyone who reviewed gets a snake whip. Have fun!)  
  
CAST:  
Author=Author  
William Shakespear=Director  
Errtu & Vierna=Security Guards  
Entreri=Romeo  
Catti-brie=Juliet  
Drizzt=Tybalt  
Bruenor=Lord Capulet  
Guen=Lady Capulet  
Zaknafein=Lord Montague  
Matron Malice=Lady Montague  
Jarlaxle=Mercutio  
Colson=Benvolio  
Crystal Shard=The Prince & Count Paris  
Wulfgar=Nurse  
Harkle Harpell=Nurse's Aide  
Regis & Delly= Servants  
Lady Alustriel=The Friars  
Thibbledorf Pwent=Minor Roles  
Morik the Rouge= Errand Boy  
  
  
(The cast is guarding both the front and back doors. Author knocks on the back door.)  
  
Author- Lemme in!  
Catti-brie- Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!  
Thibbledorf- You ain't got no hair on your chin! Grow a beard!  
(Author stops knocking.)  
Regis- You think she's gone?  
Zaknafein- (sarcastically) Yeah, she probably left.   
(Author walks in.)  
Author- I'm back!  
Drizzt- How did you get in? We blocked the front and the back door.  
Author- The side door.  
Delly- How many doors do you have on this thing?  
Author- As many as I need.  
(Shakespear walks in. Everyone groans.)  
Author- Don't worry, I put him through rehab.   
Bruenor- What's rehab?  
Author- Would you like to have first hand knowledge of it?  
Shakespear- (to Bruenor) It's the worst thing imaginable!  
Errtu- Worse than the Toilet book?  
Shakespear- I'll have you know that that book was a best seller!  
Author- (frowns) I could have sworn that didn't make it past the publisher.  
Errtu- (curious) Where was it a best seller?  
Shakespear- Evermeet. (A: For all those who don't know, that's the elven island.)  
Matron Malice- See Drizzt? I told you the surface elves where evil!  
Drizzt- Your one to talk.   
Matron Malice- Impudence is punishable by pain.   
Colson- And I know just the person to give it to him!  
(Colson looks at Catti-brie.)  
Author- (interrupts) That's right - Vierna!  
Drizzt- Vierna!?!?!?  
(Vierna walks in.)  
Vierna- (to Drizzt) This is for killing me with Twinkle! (starts whipping Drizzt) You COULD have killed me with Icingdeath, but nooooo you had to kill me with Twinkle!  
Author- Vierna will be joining Errtu as a security guard.  
Drizzt- For what reason?  
Author- Encouragement. (suddenly winces) Ok, I know this is hard, but we must get started.  
Regis- Are you sure we just can't procrastinate some more? We were fairly successful last chapter.  
Author- Yes, I'm sure. I don't have enough reviews. When I get 25 reviews, I'll let you procrastinate over lunch for an entire chapter!  
Wulfgar- Lunch? Food? Huh? Where?   
Delly- (suddenly concerned) Is Wulffie-poo hungry?  
Lady Alustriel- Wulffie-poo?  
Guen- We won't ask.  
Lady Alustriel- We won't?  
Guen- (firmly) We won't.  
Author- (smiling) Anyway, let's get on with the story.  
Drizzt- (suspiciously) Why are you so happy?  
Author- Now that Shakespear is sober, he can direct while I sit back and watch.   
Shakespear- Huh?  
Author- (suddenly afraid) Oh no! Has Wulfgar been rubbing off on him?  
Morik the Rouge- (from offstage) Yeah, they met in rehab.  
Delly- Drinking is wrong.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- If we can get on with it?  
Drizzt- Why is Morik here, anyway?  
Author- He's my errand boy. He gets me the headache medicine.  
Wulfgar- (dumbly) Now why would you need that?  
Zaknafein- (sarcastically) I have no idea, Wulffie-poo.  
Guen- I thought I said we wouldn't ask.  
Zaknafein- Technically, I didn't.  
Author- STOP THE NONSENSE!  
Drizzt- (from inside large torture device) I wish I could do that.  
Author- Do what?  
Drizzt- Talk in all caps.  
Author- It's an acquired skill.  
Vierna- Oh, Drizzt!  
Drizzt- Uh oh.  
Vierna- (points to torture device) This is named Flower.  
Drizzt- How come I have the feeling I'm about to die?  
Errtu- No fair! Author said that I could kill Drizzt after the play!  
Vierna- As long as you use Flower, I'll be fine.  
Entreri- (sulkily) I thought I killed Drizzt.  
Catti-brie- You only won once and that's because you cheated.  
Matron Malice- You cheated? Good male!  
Vierna- You beat my brother and you cheated? Very good male!  
Zaknafein- I thought you liked Drizzt?  
Vierna- That was BEFORE he killed me with Twinkle.  
Zaknafein- I know . . . he pushed me into an acid pit.  
(Zaknafein draws his swords. Vierna, Matron Malice, Colson, Errtu, Zaknafein, and Entreri all advance on Drizzt.)  
Drizzt- How in the Nine Hells did I make this many enemies?  
Guen- It might be the sign on your back.  
Drizzt- (confused) Sign?  
Catti-brie- It says "Hate me."  
Drizzt- Now who would put that there?  
Matron Malice- Guilty as charged.  
Guen- (to Zaknafein) You know, you have a sign too.  
Zaknafein- I do? What's it say?  
Catti-brie- It says "Rape me."  
Zaknafein- Oh, that explains the fan girls. . . in fact, that explains a lot.  
Drizzt- Oh?  
Zaknafein- There was this one time when Lloth. . . (notices Matron Malice's interest). . . um, nevermind.  
Vierna- So that's why you hate Lloth!  
Zaknafein- Yeah, she's so pushy.  
Matron Malice- And exactly how many times has this happened?  
Zaknafein- . . .  
Author- (calmly) You know, we just spent four handwritten pages of pure nonsense. . .   
Drizzt- The calm before the storm. . .  
Author- (explodes) NOW JUST SHUT UP AND START THE PLAY YOU @^%!*(^ %^$& &*$# &^^(*#$ ^&!#$@% ()*&^%$ _%^&*!!!!!  
Zaknafein- (raises one eyebrow) I don't think you can do that all at once.  
Author- Would you like to see me try?  
Zaknafein- No, I once saw Jarlaxle try that. Once is more than enough.  
Drizzt- I don't even know what half those words mean!  
Matron Malice- (impressed) Neither do I.  
Zaknafein- She was speaking Male Drow. Basically that's several ways to curse off matron mothers.  
Matron Malice- I really must try to remember this.  
Catti-brie- (to Author) How did you know Male Drow?  
Guen- (whispers to Catti-brie) She has a brother.  
Catti-brie- (horrified) Oh, you poor thing!  
Zaknafein- How'd he learn Male Drow?  
Author- He once impersonated Jarlaxle.  
Jarlaxle- Really? When?  
Author- That time when half your warehouse of time bombs was stolen. He passed them off for holy relics in Waterdeep.  
Catti-brie- Wait, didn't we hear about how all the temples in Waterdeep exploded at the same time?  
Drizzt- And here I was thinking that the gods where mad.  
Author- They were . . . afterwards. You should've seen the waiting line in front of his door.  
Jarlaxle- (entertaining thoughts of revenge) Who is your brother, anyway.  
Shadowmusic's Brother- You'll never find me! Ahahahahahaha! I'm an author. I'm all powerful.  
Author- Your an all powerful author who's too lazy to upload any fics.  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I'll get around to it someday!  
Author- Go away. We are now on handwritten page six and we still haven't done anything yet!  
Regis- Yay! You usually only write nine pages a chapter!  
Author- Don't start getting any ideas or I'll stick you all in the play Hansel and Gretel.  
Wulfgar- Huh? I like Hansel and Gretel!  
Zaknafein- Oh my gosh! He just said his longest sentence so far!  
Delly- Congratulations Wulffie-poo!  
Lady Alustriel- Wulffie- who?  
Delly- Wulffie-poo.  
Lady Alustriel- Wulff-  
Guen- DON'T ASK!  
Drizzt- You mean you could talk in caps all this time and you never told me?  
Guen- Next thing you know, you'll be telling me you never knew that I'm a cat.  
Wulfgar- Huh? Cat? Where? Don't see no cat!  
Guen- This is just ridiculous.  
Author- STOP IT!  
Drizzt- (amazed) She did the cap lock thing again!  
Matron Malice- You know, that's very bad for your voice.  
Author- MORIK!  
(Morik runs out with Tylenol and Aspirin.)  
Drizzt- All caps again!  
(Author holds up bottle of Tylenol. It reads: Tylenol is better than Aspirin.  
Author holds up bottle of Aspirin. It reads: Aspirin is better than Tylenol.  
Author shrugs.)  
Author- The world may never know.  
(Author drains both bottles.)  
Colson- (to Matron Malice) Next, teach me about poisoning.  
Matron Malice- It wouldn't work on her.  
Author- Now, to the play.  
Entreri- Finally! Do I get to kill Drizzt yet?  
Author- No, we're still in the nursery. Catti-brie, I got you a dress to wear for the ball.  
Catti-brie- What ball?  
Author- The masquerade ball.  
Catti-brie- There's a masquerade ball?  
Guen- (frets) What will I wear?  
Author- You're hosting the ball. Besides, your a cat.  
Guen- Your right. Not many stores carry clothes for a cat.  
Author- The cat is your costume!  
Guen- Oh, I guess your right. Besides, Bruenor likes me better as a cat.  
(Stumpet Rackingclaw runs out on stage. She grabs Bruenor.)  
Stumpet- MINE!  
Drizzt- You can do the caps thing too?  
Thibbledorf- Grow a beard!  
(Stumpet realizes that she's downwind of Thibbledorf and runs off screaming.)  
Author- Anyway, here's the dress.  
(Author holds up dress.)  
Guen- It's my size too!  
(Guen slips into dress.)  
Drizzt- (to Guen) Catti-brie! You look absolutely stunning in that dress! And that cat costume underneath looks very real.  
Guen- Why thank you!  
Vierna- (screams in frustration) You see what I had to put up with all those years? AARGGGG!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Catti-brie- Feel pain, oh perky one!  
(Catti-brie starts whipping Drizzt. Drizzt screams in pain.)  
Vierna- Not that again! Catti-brie, you do realize that he has a magical tattoo that keeps him from feeling pain.  
Drizzt- (appealingly) It's in the shape of a heart with Catti-brie's name on it!  
Catti-brie- Oh, how cute!  
Matron Malice- (shocked) You mean we've been whipping him all this time and he didn't feel a bit of it?  
Author- Getting on with the play, Entreri, you are complaining about your love interest, Rosella.  
Drizzt- You have a love interest, Entreri?  
Entreri- I do not have a love interest named Rosella!  
Drizzt- Oh Entreri, I didn't know you knew how to love!  
Entreri- I do not have a love interest named Rosella!  
Drizzt- Are you engaged?  
Entreri- I do not have a love interest named Rosella!  
Drizzt- Am I invited to the wedding?  
Entreri- I DO NOT HAVE A LOVE INTEREST NAMED ROSELLA!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Entreri- Do you see now why I want to kill him?  
Matron Malice- You mean it wasn't because of my sign?  
Entreri- That helped.  
Author- Now Jarlaxle and Colson? You confront Entreri.  
Jarlaxle- (to Colson) Looking good this morning, sweetheart!  
Colson- Oh Jarlaxle, your such a flirt. . . tell me more.  
(Barbies start flying through the air.)  
Wulfgar- NO FLIRTING!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- You do realize that we are now on page nine and we haven't done anything but put Guen in a dress?  
Regis- (happily) Can we end now?  
Author- No.  
Regis- Darn.  
(Regis thinks for a second then turns to Colson.)  
Regis- Did you know you were adopted?  
Colson-What?!  
Author- NOOOOO!!!!!! NOT MORE SENSELESS NONSENSE!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- Can someone shut him up?  
Catti-brie- Put in a line of asterixs.  
******************************************************************************************  
Drizzt- (does dance of joy) Asterixs!  
Catti-brie- (shrugs) It was worth a try.  
Colson- What's this about me being adopted?  
Lady Alustriel- (to Delly) You mean you never told her?  
Delly- (guiltily) I would have . . . when she learned how to speak.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- I want to try an experiment. (to Wulfgar) Do you have any idea that you adopted a child?  
Wulfgar- Huh? Child? Where?  
Author- Do you have any idea what a child is?  
Wulfgar- Uh, no?  
(Everyone stares.)  
Catti-brie- Um, Delly? Would you mind telling me why you married Wulfgar?  
Delly- Everyone is allowed one mistake.  
Regis- (looks at Colson) Really? I thought you made two?  
Delly- SHUT UP, SHORTY!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Regis- Now we're on page ten! The Author must let us free!  
Author- Not so fast! Play practice is extended indefinitely!  
(Everyone gasps in HORROR.)  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
(Shut up with the Caps Lock, already!)  
Author- What is that?  
(I'm the Narrator.)  
Zaknafein- No way! I wanted to be the narrator!  
Author- I didn't hire a narrator.  
(They come automatically- like Muses.)  
Author- (grumbling) I got stuck with a Purple Skunk as my Muse.  
(Mindi the Purple Skunk walks onstage, bows, then leaves.)  
Zaknafein- That was disturbing.  
Lady Alustriel- Who are you, really?  
(I am PERIWINKLE, god of SEA SLUGS, known to friends as PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!)  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*  
Drizzt- What was that?  
Author- I just censored the word *BEEP*. Now the machine goes beep when you say *BEEP*.  
(Maybe you should take it off yourself.)  
Author- Good idea.  
(Author takes censor off herself.)  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Shakespear wanders on stage)  
Shakespear- I wonder what Purple Skunk tastes like?  
(Mindi jumps into Authors arms.)  
Author- That's my Muse you *BEEP*  
(I think she just called him a Caps Lock.)  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*.  
Regis- Page eleven!  
Author- Is it just me, or did this just turn from play practice to insanity? Now all you have to do is leave for the ball and I can end this practice for now!  
(And so they leave for the ball.)  
Author- Sorry, it isn't that easy.  
Jarlaxle- (to Colson) Shall we depart, my lady?  
(Jarlaxle bows, but stumbles when a Barbie hits him on the head.)  
Wulfgar- No flirting.  
Author- Wulfgar, do you know what flirting is?  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Delly- I admit it I bribed him.  
Author- Ok people, it's time to leave. Once I get 25 reviews, we'll have a whole chapter of pure nonsense.  
Regis- Yay!  
Author- Including guest appearances from Mindi and Puff.  
Zaknafein- How does this differ from normal play practice?  
Lady Alustriel- Harkle Harpell might speak.  
Author- He hasn't said a word, has he? (grins evilly) I wonder why?  
(Harkle Harpell trys to tear tape off his mouth. He is locked in the basement.)  
Author- (confused) How did he get in the basement?  
Zaknafein- I don't like wizards.  
Author- One more thing. This is where you go when you don't review.  
(Shows the Nine Hells.)  
Author- This is where you go when you review.  
(Shows Evermeet.)  
Matron Malice- EVIL SURFACE ELVES!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- Who took the censor off?  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
Author- Of all the Muses, I had to get this one.  
(Author smacks forehead.)  
Shakespear- (visibly brightens) Ah yes, the idiots that brought me here last time did that alot too!  
Author- No wonder.  
(That's from the last chapter, it's old.)  
Author- You can't blame him, he's been drunk since the first chapter.  
Regis- Will you leave already!  
Author- FINE!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
(Author storms out. Mindi follows.)  
  
(A: That's it for now! Give me 25 reviews and I'll give you the "lunch" chapter.) 


	5. LUNCH CHAPTER

Disclaimer- I don't own anything so don't sue me.  
  
  
(A: Wow! We're up to the "lunch" chapter already! For everyone who reviewed, please remember to avoid all book stores in Evermeet. Here are some snake whips to defend yourself from the "evil surface elves". *hands out snake whips to all reviwers* Have a nice trip! Just a note: It may be a while between chapters now because I'll be busy in school.)  
  
  
CAST:  
Author=Author  
William Shakespear=Director  
Entreri=Romeo  
Catti-brie=Juliet  
Errtu & Vierna=Security Guards  
Drizzt=Tybalt  
Bruenor=Lord Capulet  
Guen=Lady Capulet  
Zaknafein=Lord Montague  
Matron Malice=Lady Montague  
Jarlaxle=Mercutio  
Colson=Benvolio  
Crystal Shard=The Prince & Count Paris  
Wulfgar=Nurse  
Harkle Harpell=Nurse's Aide  
Regis & Delly=Servants  
Lady Alustriel=The Friars  
Thibbledorf=Minor roles  
Morik the Rouge=Errand Boy  
  
  
  
(Author walks in, struggling under huge picnic basket.)  
Author- I'm back!  
Regis- Already?  
Author- We've got 25 reviews!  
Zaknafein- Food!  
Wulfgar- Huh? Food? Where?  
Shakespear- Did you bring any alcohol?  
Author- Just for you I brought alcohol.  
Shakespear- (does dance of joy) Yay!  
(Author opens picnic basket. Mindi jumps out. Characters converge on basket.)  
Regis- Hey it's empty!  
Author- Who ate all the food?  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Author screams in pain.)  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Keep it down out there! I'm actually uploading a fic!  
Author- Really?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Actually, your right. I'm to lazy!  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Will you shut your Muse up? She somehow brought a picnic baskets worth of food into my room!  
Everyone- FOOD!  
(Everyone converges on Shadowmusic's Brother's room except for Wulfgar.)  
Wulfgar- Huh? Food? Where?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Get these characters out of my room! (thinks a second) If you don't get out, I'll kill a spider!  
(Matron Malice, Catti-brie, and Colson all throw people out of room.)  
Shadowmusic's Brother- AND STAY OUT!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
(Turn on the censor.)  
Author- Good idea.  
(Author turns on the censor. Characters proceed to devour food, including alcohol.)  
Delly- Alcohol is wrong.  
Wulfgar- (holding alcohol bottle) Huh?  
Author- Didn't you stop drinking?  
Zaknafein- Shakespear put him through rehab.  
Author- Rehab?  
Zaknafein- They were both submerged into vats of alcohol. Unsuprisingly, Shakespear lasted longer than Wulfgar.  
Author- Now that we're finished eating, it's time for a few words by Harkle Harpell.  
(Harkle is brought in.)  
Harkle- Word.  
Author- Good dumb wizard!   
(Author pats Harkle on the head like a dog. Harkle wags his tail happily.)  
Author- How'd he get a tail?  
Zaknafein- I hate wizards.  
Author- I won't ask. Ok, now that we're done eating, you may now procrastinate for an ENTIRE CHAPTER!  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*  
Author- Well...  
**********1/2 hour later**********  
Drizzt- (happily) Asterixs!!  
Author- Are you going to procrastinate, or aren't you?  
Regis- Probably not.   
Author- Why?  
Regis- Why would we want to please YOU?  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*  
Author- Because your to stupid to know better?  
Delly- My Wulffie-poo isn't stupid!  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- He's not?  
Guen- (puts paw over Lady Alustriel's mouth) We will NOT ask.  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*  
Author- You know, your not hurting me with the silence treatment, your only hurting your fans.  
Drizzt- I have fans?  
Author- Yes.  
Everyone- (in shock) HE HAS FANS?!  
Drizzt- (happily) *BEEP*  
Matron Malice- If he has fans then I can only imagine the amount of fans / have!  
Author- Actually, the one with the most fans is Zaknafein.  
Matron Malice- Prove it!  
Author- I'll open the front door if you'd like.  
(Everyone looks out windows at fan girls.)  
Regis- Open it! Open it!  
Zaknafein- NOOOOOO!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- What happened to the censor?  
(It broke from overuse.)  
Author- Any chance of getting a new one?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- You broke my best censor and now you want a new one? Maybe if you let him speak in caps, he'll finally SHUT UP!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
(Drizzt considers this.)  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Drizzt- (happily) CAPS LOCK!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  
(Shadowmusic's Brother hands Author Universal Remote Control(TM). Author MUTES Drizzt.)  
Drizzt- (happily) . . .   
Author- Have any more useful gadgets?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Only the Ego Deflator(TM) I stole from you.  
(He hands over the Ego Deflator(TM))  
Regis- Now why would you need one of those in MY presence?  
Author- To use on you!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (to Regis) Don't worry, it doesn't work. She's already broken 5 on me.   
Author- Well there's the fact that your in the Guiness Book of World Records for World's Biggest Ego. Your picture is also under the dictionary definition of Ego. We have to deflate your head to fit through doors.  
Drizzt- . . . . . . . . . . .   
Author- What's he saying?  
(I think he's inquiring about why we're talking about Ego Waffles. Take the mute off.)  
(Author presses PLAY.)  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  
(Shadowmusic's Brother walks out of room with large eraser. He erases Drizzt, then runs away.)  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I'm free! I'm free!  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Drizzt suddenly reappears.)  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Your Muse is out to torture me! I hate her!  
(Shadowmusic's Brother runs into room and slams the door.)  
Author- So do I. (looks down at Mindi) So do I.  
Regis- Doesn't everybody?  
(I don't hate Mindi.)  
Author- Why not?  
(Because I don't have to put up with her. It's not in my job description.)  
Author- You have a job description?  
(Yes, it's the same job description as Mindi.)  
Author- And that is?  
(Sit here and be annoying.)  
Author- Mindi does a better job than you.  
(Oh, really.)  
(Drizzt suddenly multiplies. There are now 10 Drizzts.)  
(CAPS LOCK!) Drizzt #1- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #2- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #3- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #4- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #5- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #6- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #7- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #8- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #9- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #10- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (comes out of room holding a machine gun) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  
Drizzt #1- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #2- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #3- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #4- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #5- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #6- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #7- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #8- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #9- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Drizzt #10- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Entreri- (points to machine gun) What's that?  
(Shadowmusic's Brother opens fire on Drizzt. Soon 9 Drizzts are dead.)  
Entreri- I've got to get me one of those.  
Matron Malice- So do I.  
(Bruenor hands Shadowmusic's Brother a sack of gold for machine gun while thoughtfully looking at Regis.)  
Regis- Eeep! (hides behind Author) I SAID I was sorry for using your helmet as a bathroom!  
Catti-brie- Can I use that after you? I still haven't gotten Wulfgar back for calling me old.  
Delly- Violence is wrong.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Guen- Why can't we all just get along?  
(Everyone cracks up.)  
Guen- You'll find out one day that I was right. You should see the amount of guns I've confiscated over the years.  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (thoughtfully) Oh, so that's where all my guns went.  
Matron Malice- (to Guen) Can I have them?  
Guen- No, you'd probably use them.  
Matron Malice- Isn't that the point?  
Guen- . . .  
Jarlaxle- You know, you could make lots of money if you imported those guns to Menzoberranzen.  
Drizzt- And just think of all the drow you could kill!  
Guen- But that would cause violence!  
Matron Malice- Exactly!  
Guen- . . .  
Shadowmusic's Brother- And the best thing is that these things work on Authors!  
Bruenor- Really?  
(Bruenor opens fire on Author. Author waves her hand and machine gun disappears.)  
Bruenor- (with feeling) Darn!  
Catti-bre- (to Guen) You said you had more of these?  
Guen- Not with me.  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (thoughtfully) I really should give you some grenades.  
Entreri- Grenades?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Think the temples in Waterdeep.  
Jarlaxle- You stole my time bombs!  
Author- And how exactly did Jarlaxle get time bombs?  
Jarlaxle- He sold them to me, then he stole them back.  
Author- (to her brother) Your corrupting my characters.  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (proudly) Soon I will introduce them to McDonolds. Then there will truly be a McDonolds on every corner!  
(Shadowmusic's Brother sinks into fantasies of McDonolds in Faeraun.)  
Wulfgar- (suddenly realizes that he isn't in Faeraun anymore) Huh? Where are we?  
Zaknafein- (checks stopwatch) Amazing! It only took him five chapters to realize that!  
Catti-brie- (apologetically) Usually we only point at an object and tell him to attack it. He usually obeys verbal commands.  
Matron Malice- You can train someone like him?  
Vierna- Yes, I trained Drizzt, didn't I?  
Lady Alustriel- I think Drizzt is slightly more intelligent than Wulfgar.  
Delly- No one is smarter than my Wulffie-poo!  
Lady Alustriel- . . .   
Guen- (puts paw over Lady Alustriel's mouth) Don't.  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- But no one said anything in caps!  
Drizzt- They didn't?  
(Delly sticks out her tongue at Lady Alustriel. Lady Alustriel puts salt on Delly's tongue. Delly runs toward the kitchen for water.)  
Author- (suspiciously) Brother? You haven't been feeding people drugs again, have you?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (guiltily) Me?  
Shakespear- What are drugs?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (smiles evilly) Would you like to find out?  
Author- No, we do NOT make Shakespear a druggie!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- We don't?  
Author- We don't.  
Errtu- If he's drugged, will he not write the Toilet book?  
Shakespear- Too late.  
Author- How many times do I have to tell you, IT DIDN'T MAKE IT PAST THE PUBLISHER!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Everyone stares at Mindi in horror.)  
Author- What did she do this time?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- (grins evilly) I think she made the book get past the publisher.  
Errtu- Noooooooo!  
(Errtu starts chasing Mindi, trying to kill her.)  
Author- (to Shadowmusic's Brother) You have the same job description as Mindi and the Narrator, right?  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I might.  
Regis- Stop talking about the stupid book! Let's talk about me!  
Colson- No, let's go back a chapter. What's this about me being adopted?  
(Delly comes back in time to hear this last comment. She hurrys back into the kitchen. Colson rounds on Wulfgar.)  
Colson- Well?  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Harkle- Word.  
(Zaknafein runs after Harkle.)  
Regis- Run Harkle! Run like the wind!  
Author- (grins insanely) I've got an idea. Errtu, why don't you read aloud to us from your new Toilet book?   
Errtu- (nervously) What new Toilet book?  
(Author pulls out book entitled "Stories from the Toilet Zone".)  
Errtu- Nooooooo!  
Catti-brie- Wow, we've finally driven her insane!  
Regis- She held out a long time. The last Author went insane after only two chapters!  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Mindi jumps into Author's arms. Author goes silent.)  
Lady Alustriel- Oh no! Now what did Mindi do?  
(Who knows?)  
Regis- Who cares?  
Author- I'm sane again. (frowns at Mindi) Dumb skunk! Why couldn't you have left me insane? (drops Mindi)  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(Mindi walks over to a closet. The closet door swings open. Jarlaxle, Crystal Shard, Zaknafein, and Harkle all tumble out.)  
Regis- Oh sorry, are we interrupting something?  
(Barbie dolls start flying through the air.)  
Zaknafein- (watching Barbies) Yes, this is Torture Time. I want revenge on Harkle for being a wizard, and Jarlaxle wants revenge on Crystal Shard for existing.  
Vierna- (to Drizzt) Let's spend some quality time together in the closet.  
Entreri- Can I help?  
Author- Everyone out of the closet.  
Colson- Yeah, it's my turn.  
(Colson glares at Delly as she walks in. Delly rushes back to the kitchen.)  
Errtu- DON'T KILL THE COOK!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Errtu- she's making me an Angel Food Cake for my birthday.  
Lady Alustriel- (cooing) Oh, is today your birthday?  
(Lady Alustriel starts fussing over Errtu.)  
Matron Malice- You sicken me.  
Author- Ok, I can see that this whole "lunch" thing was a bad idea. I'm leaving!  
(Author stalks out the front door.)  
Zaknafein- No!  
Fangirls- Yes!  
Shadowmusic's Brother- I'm leaving before this gets ugly.  
Wulfgar- Huh? (looks at Colson) Who are you?  
  
(A: Tell me whether you'd like another lunch chapter at 45 reviews, or if you'd rather I'd just go back to play practice. Review please!) 


	6. Chapter Five

Disclaimer: I don't own anything so don't sue me.   
  
A: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! (Sept. 25) For my birthday I received a very big case of writers block, so this chapter is really short and stupid. I tried to include more Zaknafein, but it turned into Zaknafein bashing. *runs away from angry Fan Girls*  
  
(Author walks in on Errtu's birthday party. Room grows silent as cast notices her.)  
Mindi- Purple Skunk! Purple Skunk!  
(The birthday cake disappears.)  
Shadowmusic's Brother- Why the h*** does your muse keep transporting food into my room?!  
Author- Sorry you guys, but you have to leave. Your reserved for the "lunch" chapters.   
(Do we really have to leave?)  
Author- Yes.  
(Narrator, Mindi, and Shadowmusic's Brother all leave the room. Zaknafein tries to leave with them.)  
Author- Oh no you don't! They have to leave using the front door, past the Fan Girls.  
(Zaknafein runs back and hides behind Matron Malice.)  
Regis- Talking of such, how did you get in? We barred all the doors we could find.  
Author- The skylight.  
(Everyone looks up.)  
Delly- But there is no skylight.  
(Author looks up, then waves her hand. A skylight appears.)  
Author- That's my invisible skylight.  
Regis- What's the point of a skylight if it's invisible?   
Author- To sneak in.  
Zaknafein- We're going to have to find some way to bar that.  
Regis- I'll find a ladder. . . but I'm afraid of heights.  
Wulfgar- (looks down at Regis) So that's why you're so small.  
Zaknafein- That's the most intelligent thing you've said yet, and it's completely stupid.  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Delly- My Wulffie-poo isn't stupid!  
Catti-brie- He isn't?  
Author- Haven't we had this discussion already?  
Drizzt- Several times.  
(A flying porcupine lands on Wulfgar, crushing him.)  
Author- (blinks) Ok . . . that was unusual.  
Zaknafein- It was strange! It was disturbing! It was. . . was . . .was. . .insane!  
Author- (concerned) Zaknafein, are you feeling alright?  
Zaknafein- I have nightmares about this!  
Matron Malice- You have nightmares about FLYING PORCUPINES ?!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Zaknafein- THE INSANITY! THE INSANITY!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Harkle- Word!  
(Zaknafein screams and runs around wildly.)  
Author- I think we drove him insane.  
Regis- Cool! I always wanted to drive someone insane!  
Lady Alustriel- It must be because of the pet rocks.  
Author- Pet rocks?!  
Lady Alustriel- Your brother was selling them. Everyone but Zaknafein bought one for 10 sacks of gold.  
Author- Me and my brother are going to have a looong talk afterwards.  
(Another porcupine flys through the air, narrowly missing Zaknafein. Zaknafein screams louder.)  
Zaknafein- Ahhhhhhh! Porcupine! Ahhhhhhh!  
Author- Vierna? Will you take Zaknafein into my brother's bedroom for a little time out?  
Vierna- (reluctantly) Fine.  
(Vierna takes Zaknafein into Shadowmusic's Brother's room. Wulfgar gets up and starts throwing Barbies and pet rocks at the door.)  
Wulfgar- No flirting!  
Matron Malice- Flirting?  
(Author opens door. Vierna and Lavender Morninglord walk out. Zaknafein can be heard screaming from inside.)  
Author- (to Lavender Morninglord) What were you doing in my brother's room?  
Lavender Morninglord- We had an appointment to discuss the temples in Waterdeep and I found THIS beautiful woman inside.  
(Lavender Morninglord motions to Vierna. Vierna blushes. A Barbie hits Lavender Morninglord on the head.)  
Vierna- (to Wulfgar) You idiot! You don't throw Barbies at all powerful gods!  
Lavender Morninglord- (soothingly) Well at least it wasn't a pet rock.  
(A flying porcupine hits Lavender Morninglord on the head.)  
Zaknafein- Flying Porcupine! The insanity! The insanity!  
(Zaknafein jumps into Matron Malice's arms. Matron Malice drops him.)  
Matron Malice- Vierna? I hold you responsible for this behavior.  
Vierna- (mildly) Ok, I'll just whip him for it. He IS just a male after all.  
(Lavender Morninglord looks scared and backs away from Vierna.)  
Author- You can't do that, he's already dead. Besides, it's against the rules to whip mentally deficient people.  
Colson- Does that mean I can't whip my father?   
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Jarlaxle- You could whip ME, sweetheart!  
(Jarlaxle winks at Colson then slumps unconscious as a pet rock hits him on the head.)  
Wulfgar- No flirting!  
Catti-brie- His aim got better! (thinks for a moment) Wait a minute, something's not right here. First, he said a sentence, granted a very stupid one. Then, he detected flirting behind a closed door. Now, his aim's improved. What's with this?  
(Matron Malice pulls an empty flask from Wulfgar's hand.)  
Matron Malice- (reading label) Potion of Wisdom.  
Regis- If that's what a Potion Of Wisdom does to him, than I'd hate to see what a Potion Of Stupidity would do!  
(The porcupine start running after Zaknafein. Zaknafein tries to run away, but he is strapped into Flower.)  
Author- (to Vierna) What did I say about torturing mentally disturbed people?  
Vierna- (disappointed)Oh, all right.   
(Vierna lets Zaknafein go, but brightens as she sees Drizzt.)  
Vierna- (sweetly) Oh, brother dearest! Why don't you come over here?  
Drizzt- (contemplating suicide) Pros: I won't have to face Vierna. Cons: I'll be dead.  
Lloth- Don't forget, I get your soul after death.   
Drizzt- (nervously) What are you doing here?  
Lloth- One of my temples in Waterdeep got blown up.  
Author- (shocked) YOU have temples in WATERDEEP?!  
Lloth- Well actually they're below Waterdeep in Skullport. But that didn't stop your brother from blowing them up!  
Author- (suspiciously) Any other reason?  
Lloth- All right, I admit it, I detected flirting!  
Vierna- (guiltily) What flirting?  
(Lavender Morninglord backs away from Lloth, accidently stepping on and crushing the porcupine. Zaknafein calms down.)  
Lloth- (sighs) I suppose I could forgive you. After all, you will be my daughter someday . . . soon.  
(Lloth looks pointedly at Zaknafein.)  
Zaknafein- (screams and points at Lloth) PORCUPINE!  
(Zaknafein runs away, screaming.)  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Harkle- Word!  
Wulfgar- (turns to Delly) What's flirting?  
Lloth- (to Author) I see the Potion of Wisdom has worn off.  
Author- (suspiciously) How did you know about the Potion of Wisdom?  
Lloth- (guiltily) What Potion of Wisdom? I didn't say anything about any Potion of Wisdom!  
(Lloth chases after Zaknafein.)  
Zaknafein- PORCUPINE!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Harkle- Word?  
Wulfgar- Huh?  
Author- (screams) Shut up!  
(Everyone stares at Author.)  
Author- Okay! Errtu and Vierna, throw out Lloth and Lavender Morninglord. Zaknafein, get yourself together. We have a play to put on!  
Vierna- (flirting with Lavender Morninglord) Come on, let's go.  
(Vierna escorts Lavender Morninglord out of the room. Errtu grabs Lloth and drags her away.)  
Lloth- (to Zaknafein) Don't worry honey, I'll be back!  
Zaknafein- (shudders) You know I met her about the same time I discovered my fear of porcupine.  
Drizzt- (helpfully) Flying ones.  
Guen- Let's not go into this.  
Entreri- (snapping) Let's just get on with this! I want to kill Drizzt and afterwards go home and feed Swimmy.  
Drizzt- Swimmy?  
Entreri- (guiltily) Who's Swimmy?  
Author- I think that's your pet fish.  
Entreri- (scowls) Thanks alot.  
Drizzt- You have a pet fish?  
Entreri- Um, no?  
Drizzt- Can I hold it, and hug it, and love it?  
Guen- I don't think that's possible.  
Entreri- (seriously) If you come within 50 feet of Swimmy you'll have so many dagger holes in you you'll look like that Swiss Cheese that Shadowmusic's Brother keeps trying to sell us.  
Author- Darn that Brother!  
Bruenor- I wonder what he's using all that gold for anyway.  
(Scene cuts to Menzoberranzen where Bregan D'Areth is building a 50 foot statue of Shadowmusic's Brother.)  
Jarlaxle- Darn that Brother!  
Author- STOP PROCRASTINATING OR I'LL FEED YOU TO SWIMMY!  
Entreri- (pales) You wouldn't really do that . . . would you?  
Zaknafein- (confused) Why?  
Entreri- Swimmy is a 50 foot shark.  
Zaknafein- I didn't know they came in that size. Where did you get him?  
Entreri- Phycopaths R' Us  
Zaknafein- (nervously) You wouldn't really feed us to Swimmy would you?  
Author- I would. Now let's get on with it. It's time for the ball.  
Regis- Can't we end the chapter?  
Author- (calmly) Swimmy.  
Regis- Let's go on with this chapter. I don't want to be fed to the stupid shark.  
Entreri- (pulls out Jewelled Dagger) What did you say, corpse?  
Drizzt- (boldly) You know those pointy things are dangerous.  
Zaknafein- (sarcastically) You think?  
(Entreri puts his dagger to Drizzt's throat and his sword to Regis's throat.)  
Entreri- Never. Insult. Swimmy.  
Zaknafein- You're good, but you need to improve your fighting stance.  
Entreri- And just how good are you?  
(Three seconds later everyone but the Author and Zaknafein is on the floor.)  
Drizzt- (stunned) I forgot how fast he was.  
FanGirls- (cheers) Yay Zaknafein!  
Author- (calmly) If your done killing each other we're SUPPOSED to be at the ball.   
Wulfgar- What's a ball?  
Author- (smacks forehead) Why do I even put up with this?  
Shakespeare- Ah yes, the idiots-  
(Shakespeare is cut off as Errtu impales him on his sword.)  
Errtu- (smiles) I always wanted to do that.  
Author- Now look what you did! I'll have to resurrect the Director . . .again.  
(Jarlaxle, Drizzt, Entreri, and Zaknafein all smile guiltily.)  
Crystal Shard- (suddenly) Well @#$%^& to you too!  
Author Who are you talking to?  
Crystal Shard- Entreri's Dagger.  
(Everyone stares at Entreri's Dagger. Author waves her hand.)  
Entreri's Dagger- -@#$%^& *&^%$ @!$$# &&*^% **&^(#$@!-  
(Author waves her hand again.)  
Author- Nevermind. I want to at least TRY to keep this fic PG.  
Regis- Well in that case, @#$%^&-  
(Author waves her hand, muting Regis.)  
Regis- (angrily) ..........  
Author- Ok, now Entreri, Colson, and Jarlaxle are at the ball. Drizzt you notice them.  
Drizzt- Do I go over and say hi?  
Author- Um, no. You try to stop them from coming in.  
Drizzt- (confused) Why?  
Author- Because they're your enemy.  
Drizzt- (doubtful) Are you sure?  
Author- Yes.  
(Drizzt shrugs then turns, draws his scimaters, and starts attacking Colson while singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".)  
Author- No! No! No! Tybalt doesn't actually attack them! Bruenor, you stop Drizzt from attacking them and say that Romeo Entreri is a fine young man and that you are happy he is here.  
(Bruenor starts laughing.)  
Catti-brie- Um, Drizzt? Why are you singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"?  
Drizzt- (confused) Why not?  
Guen- Um, because there's no reason for it?  
Drizzt- It works good! This scimater is named Twinkle and I renamed Icingdeath, Star.  
Vierna- In that case Flower is now being renamed to Sweetie-pie.  
Matron Malice- You people scare me.  
Author- Anyway, Entreri you meet Catti-brie and kiss her.  
Everyone- WHAT?  
Wulfgar- What's kiss?  
Author- (smirks) I did tell you it was a romance, didn't I?  
Drizzt- (confused) I thought it was humor?  
Author- That's the fic, not the play.  
Entreri- (mutters) Stupid Shakespeare.  
Catti-brie- That's it! Drizzt is now playing Romeo!  
Author- Fine! You don't have to kiss each other you just have to pretend.  
Catti-brie- (complaining) Why can't Drizzt be Entreri's stunt double?  
Author- Maybe because they look nothing alike?  
(Shakespeare screams and dies.)  
Entreri- (to Shakespeare's corpse) That's for making me pretend to kiss Catti-brie!  
Bruenor- (threateningly) You think there's something wrong with my girl?  
Drizzt- (hurt) I thought I was the only one allowed to kiss her!  
(Catti-brie kisses Drizzt.)  
Everyone- Awwwwwwww!  
Author- I think we'll do the rest of the scene later. I have homework.  
Lady Alustriel- You have homework on your birthday?  
Errtu- I thought it was my birthday?  
Matron Malice- Do you share a birthday?  
Author- Fortunately, no. My birthday was Wednesday.  
Regis- (shows painting of the Mona Lisa with a moustache) This is a picture of the Author. It's my birthday gift. (A: I have nothing against the Mona Lisa, but it's the only great art work I thought everyone would recognize.)  
(Author breaks easel over Regis's head.)  
Author- I'm leaving!  
Everyone- Yay!  
(Author leaves, accidently on purpose letting in Lloth, Lavender Morninglord, the porcupine, and the FanGirls.)  
Zaknafein- NOOOO!  
Drizzt- Caps Lock!  
Vierna- (to Lavender Morninglord) Hi, honey!  
Wulfgar- What's honey?  
  
A: That's it for now. Sorry for the Zaknafein bashing, but SOMEONE had to go insane due to porcupine. I'll write more, but I'm kinda busy in school so don't expect much more for a while. Just in case anyone's wondering, Lavender Morninglord is a FR character that my brother told me existed. Will someone tell me whether he's lying or not? 


	7. Chapter Six

Disclaimer- I don't own anything so don't sue me.  
  
A: Wow! I actually got around to writing this chapter after a week of stalling! Please forgive me. By the way, no one told me whether Lavender Morninglord was real or not, so I'm going to keep using him.   
  
Tomoe Hotoro- Yes, as long as you give me the URL of your site!  
  
(The cast is looking nervously at the doors making sure all of them are locked and barred.)  
Catti-brie- (nervously) Isn't it about time for HER to come back?  
Entreri- Hopefully SHE forgot.  
Zaknafein- (muttering) Fat chance of HER forgetting.  
Regis- (smugly) Bet you SHE'S not coming.  
Catti-brie- Why do you say that?  
Regis- (smugly) I crazy-glued the doors.  
(The tip of a shovel suddenly pops up from the floor beneath Regis. Regis goes flying.)  
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) Stand forth and do battle, shovel!  
Author- (muffled) Put those away, you fool. You'll wind up hurting yourself.  
(Drizzt promptly drops Twinkle, cutting his hand.)  
Entreri- (shakes his head in disbelief) How does she do that?  
Drizzt- (cluelessly) Do what?  
Entreri- Nevermind.  
(Author pulls herself up from the hole in the ground she made by burrowing in.)  
Zaknafein- Are we going to have to pour concrete on the floor?  
Author- Well your brother . . .  
Author- Figures.  
Entreri- Your brothers been making quite a profit selling me and my "friends" guns.  
(Author frowns and waves her hand. All the guns disappear.)  
Entreri- _%#$  
Author- This is officially a no guns, no drugs, no alcohol, and no smoking fic.  
Bruenor- Darn.  
Shakespear- (goes pale) What...was...the...third...one?  
Author- (smiles evilly) No alcohol.  
Shakespear- (weakly) No...alcohol...  
Author- Alcohol will never be in this fic again! MUHAHAHAHAHA!  
Regis- (scared) Did she go insane again?  
Author- No, actually I didn't.  
(Author starts to say something then suddenly stops.)  
Author- Oh no, this time we're going to do the play . . . no procrastinating.  
Regis- (mutters) For the first time.  
Author- Vierna, Errtu, come my minions. Proceed to beat these characters into submission!  
(Errtu and Vierna advance on characters with similar looks in their eyes.)  
Matron Malice- You can't touch me Vierna, I'm a matron mother.  
Errtu- (happily) But I can!  
Vierna- Actually, you're not a matron anymore. Briza took your place.  
Malice- What?! How dare you . . . Put that Matron back on immediately!  
Matron Malice- That's better. Anyway, Briza has been dealt with accordingly.  
(Scene shifts to Briza in Evermeet. She is surrounded by surface elves singing joyful songs. Briza screams in pain.)  
Vierna- (winces in sympathy) That's got to hurt.  
Zaknafein- What's with all the scene changes? If anything, there should be more closeups of me.  
(immediately, there's a close up of Zaknafein. Zaknafein strikes a pose and the Fan Girls outside double in number.)  
Zaknafein- Actually, maybe that's not the best idea...  
Malice- He was ever so popular back in Menzoberranzen . . . Hey, put the Matron back!  
Matron Malice- That's better.  
(The door suddenly swings open to reveal Lavender Morninglord walking in with a big bouquet of roses.)  
Lavender Morninglord- Hello princess!  
Wulfgar- Huh? Who? Where?  
Author- Enough with the procrastinating!  
(Author waves hand and Lavender Morninglord is suddenly in a cage.)  
Lavender Morninglord- But how will I give these roses to my princess?  
(Vierna blushes.)  
Wulfgar- Princess? Who? Me?  
Guen- Ah, you shouldn't have.  
(Guen accepts flowers.)  
(Vierna turns red in rage.)  
Drizzt- I didn't think drow could turn that color.  
(Vierna and Guen have a cat fight which Guen, of course, wins. Wulfgar eats the flowers.)  
Vierna- (sulks) Fine, be that way!  
Lavender Morninglord- Maybe you could let me out of the cage now?  
Author- Absolutely not! We're going to work on the play NOW! I believe we're up to the kissing scene.  
Lavender Morninglord- (interested) Kissing scene?  
Vierna- (thoughtfully) I wonder if Lavender Morninglord and I could stunt double the kissing scene for Entreri and Catti-brie?  
Drizzt- I thought I was Entreri's stunt double?  
Catti-brie- Absolutely not! I am not kissing Entreri!  
Author- Does your opinion matter?  
Zaknafein- Is that a rhetorical question?  
Author- Actually it is!  
Catti-brie- You can't make me do this! I refuse!  
(Guen whispers something in Author's ear.)  
Author- (smiles happily) Ok! Drizzt, you were this Entreri costume and kiss Catti-brie.  
Drizzt- (gets all starry-eyed) Cool. . . an Entreri costume!  
Catti-brie- Why do I even bother?  
Drizzt- (suspiciously) What did you offer the Author, Guen?  
Guen- Oh, nothing you have to be concerned about . . . yet.  
Drizzt- I didn't like the sound of that.  
Author- You have a choice A) kiss Catti-brie, or B) keep the Entreri suit.  
Drizzt- Decisions, decisions!  
(Catti-brie draws her sword.)  
Drizzt- (hurriedly) I pick Catti-brie! I pick Catti-brie!  
Author- Morik!  
(Morik runs out.)  
Author- I need you to get my pencil from the pencil storage closet. It's yellow with a point on one end and an eraser on the other.  
Zaknafein- Bet you it's a pink eraser.  
Author- (amazed) How did you know?  
(Morik walks toward the pencil storage closet, dazed.)  
Catti-brie- You have a whole closet full of pencils?  
Author- I'm an Author what did you expect?  
Drizzt- Porcupine?  
Zaknafein- (nervously) Porcupines, where?  
Author- (glares at Drizzt) How'd you know that's where I keep them?  
Drizzt- Where do you think I got the flying one's from?  
Zaknafein- (slowly) Flying. . . Porcupine?  
Vierna- Uh,oh.  
Zaknafein- (runs away) PORCUPINES!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- Let's get on with the play.  
Drizzt- In that case me and my pet are going over there.  
Guen- Pet?!  
Drizzt- Ooops! Did I say that out loud?  
Guen- PET?!  
Drizzt- Please don't kill me!  
Guen- PET?!?!?!?!  
(Drizzt runs to Matron Malice)  
Drizzt- Save me mommy!  
Malice- (looks disgusted) That's- where's the Matron, already?  
Matron Malice- That's better.  
Author- Getting on with the scene. . .  
(A brief silence.)  
Author- Well, isn't anyone going to protest?  
Regis- Why bother? We're just going to make a scene and procrastinate anyway?  
Drizzt- (confused) Did that make any sense?  
Zaknafein- Since when does Regis make sense?  
Drizzt- (to Zaknafein, in amazement) You've come back to me!  
Zaknafein- Only to murder you.  
Drizzt- Oh, ok then.  
(A brief silence as this sinks in.)  
Drizzt- (suddenly) Murder me?!  
Guen- I'll help!  
Vierna- So will I!  
Entreri- Count me in!  
Errtu- Not if I don't get to help!  
Matron Malice- Lady's first!  
Author- STOP THE PROCRASTINATING!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- That's it, I've decided to bring in a new security crew since the one I have odviously isn't working. Where's Morik with my pencil?  
(Scene cuts to Morik who is staring in horror at row upon row of identical yellow pencils in the pencil storage closet.)  
Author- (halfway to closet) Oh, wait! Now I remember!  
(Author pulls pencil out of pocket.)  
Author- (to Morik) Nevermind!  
Morik- . . .  
(Author starts to draw.)  
Author- Done!  
(Author waves hand and the Teletubbies and Barney appear.)  
Matron Malice- (screams) THE HORROR! THE HORROR!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
(Wulfgar starts dancing with the Teletubbies singing the Juicy Fruit song.)  
Wulfgar & Teletubbies- Sharing and caring is lots of fun!  
Entreri- NOOOOOOOOO!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Crystal Shard- NOOOO! YOU HORRIBLE FIENDS! BACK I SAY! BACK!  
Drizzt- (happily) Caps Lock!  
Author- (to Drizzt) If your going to start that again, I'm going to have to stop you.  
Drizzt- How?  
Author- Barney! Attack!  
Drizzt- (draws scimaters) I'm not afraid of you!  
Barney- Let's be friends!  
Drizzt- (drops scimaters and runs away screaming) AHHHH!  
Zaknafein- (draws swords) You can't scare me!  
(A flying porcupine exits the pencil storage closet.)  
Zaknafein- (Drops swords and runs away screaming) AHHHH!  
Author- Ok, troops, round 'em up! We're doing the kissing scene this chapter or else!  
(Barney starts rounding them up. Teletubbies are still singing happy songs with Wulfgar.)  
(Author frowns and waves her hand. Teletubbies disappear.)  
Wulfgar- Huh? Where did the princesses go?  
Shakespear- (coming out of shock) No.....alcohol? (looks around) What just happened? Why is the character from my Toilet book here?  
Entreri- Barney was in the Toilet book?  
Shakespear- So were the Teletubbies and the Power Rangers.  
Crystal Shard- EVIL! DIE! DIE!  
(Barney dies.)  
Crystal Shard-(blinks) That was too easy . . .   
(Crystal Shard gets trampled by a herd of rampaging emu.)  
Author- (blinks) Where did those come from?  
Zaknafein- I think they came from in there.  
(Zaknafein points to a door labeled Mindi's Room.)  
Author- I don't want to know.  
(Rampaging emu round up the characters.)  
Wulfgar- What's an emu?  
(Wulfgar is trampled by a herd or rampaging emu.)  
Wulfgar- Oh.  
(The door opens and Lady Alustriel and Delly walk in.)  
Author- (angry) And where were you?  
Lady Alustriel- We were at the nail salon.  
Author- (calms down) Oh, that's alright then.  
Wulfgar- What's a nail salon?  
Lady Alustriel- ......  
Drizzt- May I go to the nail-  
Author- No! Anyway, to the kissing scene.  
Drizzt- Why? There's enough kissing going on in that closet.  
(A herd of rampaging emu knock down the closet door exposing Jarlaxle and Colson.)  
Wulfgar- Where Barbie?  
Delly- I burned them, remember?  
Wulfgar- Darn. Now I have go back to throwing hammer thing.  
Bruenor- (enraged) It's name is Aegis-Fang, dammit!  
Wulfgar- Yeah, that.  
Bruenor- (sobbing) My life's masterpiece, wielded by a simpleton.  
Wulfgar- (to Colson) What's a simpleton?  
Colson- You.  
Wulfgar- Oh, ok!  
Author- (frustrated) Ok, Drizzt just kiss Catti-brie already!  
(Drizzt kisses Catti-brie.)  
Author- Ok, I'm leaving now and I'm coming back with a cattle-prod.  
Regis- Where do you keep the concrete?  
Author- Mindi's Room.  
Regis- Ok, scratch that idea.  
Delly- (thoughtfully) I think we have enough fruit cake left from last Christmas.  
Drizzt- Especially since no one ate them.  
Bruenor- Or we could just substitute some of Catti-brie's cooking.  
Catti-brie- Hey!  
(Author leaves through front door.)  
Regis- I thought I crazy-glued that?  
Vierna- I think Lavender Morninglord got rid of that.  
Lavender Morninglord- Could someone let me out of the cage now?  
(Vierna smiles seductively, then slumps unconscious as a rampaging emu hits her on the head.)  
Wulfgar- No flirting.  
  
(That's all for now! Review please!) 


End file.
